Time is running out.

I'm so stuck. So many things running over my mind. About family, friends, love and of coz' my studies. I always hold on to; my life is just not about to convince others. Its up to others whether to trust me or not. Its their choice. Coz' for me, whatever I do is done based on my own decision.

Maybe I sound selfish or etc, but think, why should you try so hard to convince people. The best thing to do is be yourself, and if they can trust you without you trying so hard to convince them, that's good enough.

Talking about my family, as usual, I've been having so much problem trying to gain their trust. But it seems that, whether i do good or bad, they'll still have that something holding them back from putting their trust to me.

Talking about friends, I really hate those who are hypocrites, they find you only when they feel lonely and no one is with them. And, when they with their group of friends, they won't even realise that you're there. For me, friends should always be there.

I have a group of good friends who I treasure alot, my 7 princess, my angels, and my bff - amin. Other than that, are just friends, classmates, schoolmates or just acquantainces.

Talking about love, hmm. I'm stuck. Seriously, I just wish I didn't give anyone hopes. Sometimes you have to hurt a person just for your own happiness; you can't force love.

Sometimes I asked, why people fall for me? Is it because I'm too good or what? Its nature of me to treat others as what they deserve. Don't get mistaken if I treat you good, if I send you back home, if I was always there for you or etc, I did that because I'm your friend and its a responsibilty for me to always be there for you.

If I were to like you, I would treat you even more special.

If I were to go with this person, how about another person which I gave hope? If I were to go with this person, what about our friend feelings?

Its so complicated.

I'm writing so long that I guess no one even bother to read.

About my studies. BLANK.

Ouh ya, my birthday is coming. I'm kinda excited and I can't for suprises awaiting for me. HMM. I just wish that my 19th birthday will be a memorable one.

Some of my friends have been asking me what I want for my birthday. So yah, I'm writing a list of it. HEHE.

1. the black shirt that I saw at AMK Hub with Ah Hui.
2. the converse shoe or ted baker shoe. I love white.
3. a silver bracelet which has my name engraved, SHIZARI.
4. a ed-hardy cap or at least a cap with those graphic designs.
5. a pair of black shorts at messy, bugis junction
6. more, more and more flip-flops, yellow, red or blue.
7. a leather backpack, black or dark brown.
8. the bling-bling handphone strap that has my name on it. SHIZARI.
9. i always wanted a vest, black vest at cotton on.

10. more graphics tees, esp from topman or num. topman on sale now.

I don't like birthday gifts like, those that catches dust, I like those that I can wear or bring with me.

I'm like so lazy to update. School has started. My module timetable sucks to the core. Alot of clashes although I've met the academic manager to help me. There's nothing much she can do. Some modules, I've just have to tap my card and go.

Whatever it is, this week is a stressful one for me too. Like a sudden thing. Just came like that. I'm trying my best to make everyone happy. But sometimes, I do have to disappoint the other, just for my own happiness. I really hope this time it will work. But I'm not giving or putting any hopes. Let's just go with the flow and take it slow. Whatever it is, I will still be myself. Hehe.

I don't know why, out of a sudden.

I knew it was me. But I didn't know it was that long. I don't realise it was coming. I thought, it was my past. I left it, but start anew, friendship.

And just now, I waited for my friend for 3 hours but he didn't appear. What a patient person I am. Excuse or reason, I don't know. But, I'm tired.

I'll update soon.

PICTURES! Haha. Let the photos do part of the post. Raya was fun but not as happening as previous years. I don't know why. I still get duit raya. Haha.

I can say this year I eat less. Usually, I will eat at every house visits. But this time, I didn't really have the mood. Coz' I was freaking tired. I kept yawning all the way. Haha.

During eve of Raya, I slept at 5am. Clean the house and cook with my mum.

As usual, I couldnt wake for Raya prayers at 8am. LOL! I woke up at 8.30am instead. Arrange the cookies in the jar, thats my task every year. Then ask forgiveness with my parents. And start our jalan raya.

Its the same routine every year. I guess I wasn't really quite comfortable coz I was sleepy. Haha. Anyway, enjoy the photos. But don't steal, coz' I know of someone who likes to steal others photo in friendster, blog or anywhere and store in his laptop or handphone. I think its bad.

HAHA! Selamat Hari Raya. Maaf zahir dan batin to all my friends and those reading this.

Hello. Hari Raya is like so around the corner. Haha. I baked cookies! Sounds fun right. Haha. And Ramadhan, fasting month is ending soon. This year's fasting month is so different from last year. I learnt alot from my previous mistakes. I'll try to be the best and at the same time, being myself. Last year's fasting month was alot of pain. I went through it like deep hardship. Nobody was there for me. I was alone, searching for the right path. But this time, I found it, I guess. Hope so.

To all my reader, cherish every moment with your family coz' you will only have 1 mother and father in your whole lifetime. So, please treasure your family. For those who are from single-parent family, love the person who took care of you all this time.

You won't know when your parents will be gone. Although you may have hurt them, try to show them that you're changing for the better. Its all for your own good. Sometimes, you don't realise that you've hurt them unintentionally. So, take a chance and ask for forgiveness, ask them whether you have hurt them. No one is perfect but you can try to be perfect.

Maybe you've shouted or talk loudly to your parents. They may keep quiet but deep inside their heart, you won't know.

To my friends who think that they should get what they want and achieve towards it, please think again. Listen to them coz' it'll make alot of difference in your life. If you think your parents don't understand you, think again. If they don't understand you, they would just gave up and left you alone. In fact, they do understand you, alot! 9 months in her womb and she's been with you since you were born. She was beside you and still beside you.

And, to my dear muslims friends, Selamat Hari Raya, Maaf zahir dan batin. I may say or do things intentionally and unintentionally. Thanks!

Ouh ya, the other day Jamie and I went to watch Victor perform. It was nice. There are other groups playing too. Enjoy!

Jam's bf, Victor

On Friday, I went to break fast with my beloved secondary school buddies. Its was just filled with laughter. We were laughing all the way. HAHA! Miss the fun times during secondary school.

Just random pics of my BABY! Love her so much.

Hello. I just recover fully from my fever. Although I wasn't really feeling very well, I went out with 7heaven on Tuesday, 16/09. It was hell fun as usual. It was nice to see everyone looking fine and laughing our hearts out. Hehe.

We went to sing and dinner at Little India. The food was nice. And went to Mind's cafe for some board games. That's about it!

HEY! Hehe. That's my recent photos. I've just highlighted my hair. BLONDE! Hehe. Its kinda mat rep but whatever.

I've already bought my Hari Raya baju kurung. Its turqoise.

Nothing much happen this week. Just getting bored everyday. I've got few orders for Hari Raya cookies. HEHE! Just for extra pocket money. I wanted to dye my brows but I think it will look funny. So didn't do it.

I wanna get piercings. HELP ME! Somebody help me pierce my tongue and lips. I also wanna get nose or eyebrow piercing or nipple. I'm afraid to do alone. It would be so nice if someone pierce for me.

They results are out. But too bad, I don't really look forward. I just wanna know which module I'm repeating and taking my supplementary papers. HAIZ.

I really want this to end as soon as possible. I want to complete my NS and do my own things that I love.

If anyone wanna break fast with me, do call me up okay?

LOVES!

Yesterday, I wanted to update my blog. But I can't think of anything to write about. Hmm. I stared at my laptop screen and cried.

I don't know why.

Oh God, please guide me to be a better person. On this Ramadhan, I start to realise, how much I'm being love. But, I've to let go of someone just for my own future.

Am I selfish?

I don't know what is happening to my life right now? Its so miserable. I feel like killing myself and reborn again. I'm serious. Very serious.

I want to be normal boys, have their own girlfriend, play soccer, etc. My life sucks ever since I was born. Why I was born? I don't see a reason why.

Just to make more sins? Or just to hurt my parents?

No one understands me. The other day, my mum confront me, " Do you want to be bapok and for your information, you already look like one and I'm so ashamed of you."

How would you feel? I cried. Did I ever want to be like this? Did I ever ask to be effeminate. NO! FUCKING HELL NO!

I was teased since primary school where I don't even know anything. I was outcast just because I was soft-spoken and don't behave like other boys. Is the world fair?

Why God create me like this? Why don't he create me a girl or just a boy? Why must he create me a boy with girls character. I'm like so lost.

I need you guidance, GOD.

If you don't understand, its okay. For eg a boy who was born with elephant ears. Ever since he was born, people make fun of him, calling him names and embarrased him in front of the whole class. Did he ever want to have elephant ears? Did he pray for it? I don't think so. He asked his mum, why do he have elephant ears? His mum kept quiet. Thats the only thing that his mum know how to do. So when this boy grew up, people outcast him because he is abnormal. Does he deserve to be treated that way? NO! So, this boy grew up and found that there are other people who also have elephant ears. So, he felt that people who have the same condition with him understands him and know how he feels. Do you think its wrong for him to mix with the same situation as him? NO!

If you fucking don't understand, kill yourself.

KILL!!!

I still remember clearly those who teased me or call me names. You know what, I'll just pray that you whoever talk or discriminate me for who I am will just die faster. Coz' you guys don't deserve to stay in this world and discriminate and criticise GOD's creation.

FOR YOUR FUCKING INFO, I WAS BORN THIS WAY, GOD MADE ME THIS WAY. IF YOU TALK ABOUT MY FLAWS MEANS YOU ARE DISCRIMINATING GOD. GET THIS FUCKING THING IN YOUR HEAD.

I had enough of people calling me names and etc. PLEASE BE MORE MATURED!

I never want to walk like this or talk like this. If you think, that as a boy I should behave as what stereotypes boys are behaving, then I guess you SUCK MY DICK!

Not all effeminate people are gay. And not all macho guys are straight.

Enough. If you guys don't like what I wrote, then why bother to read it? Create your own blog and mother fucking private it and make it just for yourself and your breast!

Hello. Its the 3rd day, I'm fasting. So far so good. I'm really looking forward for my pay this month. Hehe. I wanna shop.

1st day of fasting month, I break fast at my workplace. Hehe. So bored.

Do you guys know that every year, muslims all around the will fast for a month during the month of Ramadhan. Ramadhan is a very special month. Its the month to the as much as goodwill as we can especially the last 10 days of Ramadhan.

Everyday, I would wake up around 5 to eat before dawn. After dawn, we can't eat or drink. We have to take care of our 5 senses. You can't dig your nose, your ears or even dig your mouth. Hehe. Don't listen to gossips or even worst gossip about others. Tsk tsk tsk. Don't watch porn. Haha. Don't look at guys or girls and drool. In simple word, you have to try to do good deeds.

After Ramadhan, it will be Syawal, or Hari Raya!

After a month of fasting, we will celebrate Hari Raya. Its a celebration for our achievement. Honestly, if you fast complete 1 whole month, you will feel happy and feeling of satisfaction.

So, if I just keep quiet or don't really talk alot, it doesnt mean I'm having a bad mood. Its just means that, talking will just lead to gossip and etc. So by keeping quiet, you will talk rot less and you will get less sins. Better right? So just talk when necessary.

What's up, what's up, what's up?

Let's forget about school. I was informed, my clinical posting is cancelled. Coz' I failed nursing lab. I'm starting to realise that NURSING is seriously not for me. OMG! Honestly, I realised nursing is not for me when I went for my 1st attachment. But I kept quiet. After my 2nd attachment, I said to myself, "AH BOY! THAT'S ENOUGH! NURSING IS NOT FOR ME!" So, I applied for NIE. Unfortunately, I didn't get admitted. Maybe I was from nursing course. And its kinda troublesome to transfer unless I'm freshly graduated from secondary school.

I think I should just do well in nursing, continue the course. But its really amazing, I did quite ok for my O levels. Compare me and other nursing students who don't really do well for O levels, I can really see so much difference. It really doesn't matter how you score for O levels. Its about whether you enjoy what you're learning. My lecturer who failed me asked, "So ninabey, how you score nursing out of 10?" So, I answered, "KANINABU CHAO CHEE BYE, 8 lah, fuck you, fucker, asshole! She smiled, and I showed middle finger at her. Both fingers up! HAHA.

Actually in my heart, is 6 out of 10.

The reason I studied so hard for my O levels is TO GET A PLACE IN AN ART SCHOOL! Haha. But mummy says NO NO NO NO NO, BABY NO NO NO NO, DON'T CRY....

I did cry.

Why? My life so miserable. I know I will take supplementry paper. Wanna bet? 1 million dollars.

Just wait for results. Maybe I will be teaching during my 1 month and 3 weeks holidays. PLEASE SOMEONE! HELP ME! I'm registered as MOE relief teacher but don't know how to start teaching. HEHE.

TOODLES!

Tag me some kisses if you love me, okay? MUACKS!

The day before, I had my 1st paper for this semester. I came late again! LATE! SIGH! Woke up late. I got this habit of waking up late. Usually, I would wake up early but will sleep back after the alarm rings and I will keep pressing the snooze button.

The paper was okay, I guess. I can't really do the SAQ. I went back home after that, took a nap and revised my sociology paper which will be at 4pm. Luckily I was on time. On the dot. HEHE!

Some of the questions are repeated. I can answer most of the question except for one of the SAQ, I can't really explained. But, did my best though.

I will be having my Psychology paper at 4pm. I seriously need to pass this paper. I don't want to repeat again and again. I'm sick and tired of repeating. Repeating modules just make me feel like I'm useless. SIGH! AGAIN!

HMM, I really hope my results will turn out to be okay, coz' I really did my best and studied very hard for the exams.

BUT PHARMACOLOGY! SIGH! AGAIN! HEHE!

I seriously need to study that real hard. Coz' I don't really understand.

After my Sociology paper, I went to cook chicken curry at my friend's place. It was fun. HEHE! And, the curry was a success.

Now, I'm at home, revising for my Psychology.

Let's pray hard for the exams. Good luck to everyone!

Today I woke up at 730am but slept again. And I was late, I woke up at 830. HMM! It's all because of the late night studying.

Sometimes I asked myself, will I be a nurse when I graduate? Or should I pursue something else? SIGH!

I think I should just complete this diploma course and see what's ahead for me. I still remember the day when I told my mum that I wanna pursue a course in fashion design. My parents was NO. I cried. Alone in my room crying with NAFA's booklet in my hands. The reason for a NO was, ARTS has no stable future. WTH. And alot of expenses during the course especially the projects and etc.

But look at my bro now. Studying in SP, Nautical studies. WOW! My parents fork out around 200+ for his books. 300+ for his fire training course, 300+ for his shipping course.

And me in nursing, I got no proper books. The books I got his from my friends and teacher. I'm not trying to compare but looking back at how my parents reaction was terrible.

My reason for studying very hard was to get to an art school. But I can't. I left with nursing and teaching. That's the only other course of my interest.

I got this urge of quitting eversince my 1st attachment. I just kept it to myself. I can't quit now. I need to complete it. SIGH! Its terrible.

I can imagine myself doing fashion, something that I really like and have passion on. I think I would be doing well by now coz' its something I love and will look forward to. Its not that I hate nursing or etc. But compare nursing and fashion, of coz' I would do fashion. With my O level results, I'm sure I can choose what I want.

I wish miracle would happen. Honestly, I don't understand a single thing about pharmacology. Good luck to me. I failed my re-test for my clinical assessment. Thanks to the lecturer who failed me. I think I did better the previous time. This time, the lecturer made me felt damn nervous and my self-esteem low. She's like demoralising me indirectly.

FUCK!
FUCK!
FUCK!

I don't think I can go for this upcoming attachment.

SUCKS!

I really hate this. Seriously, distract me from this upcoming exams. I wanna just run away from this stupid course. I keep studying hard but in the end I still fail. SO WHAT'S THE POINT OF STUDYING SO HARD?

Don't tag me about this. I wanna concentrate on exams.

LASTLY,



FUCK YOU!

I craved for carrot cake for like so many weeks and TADAA! I went to Coffeebean to give myself a treat. I had a slice of carrot cake coated with white sugary icing together with SNAPPLE raspberry. YUMMY!

I think I wanna go again and have carrot cakes again.

Its the western cake, not the chinese carrot cake. If chinese carrot cake, I prefer black with chili carrot cake. So nice. The malays also have something like carrot cake but its called lontong goreng, its fried the same way but it doesnt have any carrots instead it contains rice cake. You should try. Not really that popular.

Another estimately 3 weeks to fasting month. I can't wait for it. I'm so excited. And the best thing is I will be having my attachment. What a pleasure! Maybe for those who never fast before, you may think its difficult but for me, its an accomplishment. After one month of fasting, I feel a sense of achievement. I get through the one month with ease. I wonder how will this year's fasting would be.

By the way, I'm actually taking a break after studying for sometime. HMM! I'm really exhausted. HELP! Call ambulance 995.

I'm choking! Can someone please help?

RANDOM! HEHE!

PHOTOS of JANNIE TAN JIA WEN'S 18th BDAY CELEBRATION!

HEHE! I went to watch the fireworks after work. It was so ..... I thought it will be so spectacular. But its just okay. Quite nice, as usual.


BORING! I'm still not asleep. I'm having a re-test later. HMM. Honestly, sometimes I feel extremely exhausted and tired of doing the same thing everytime. The common things are STUDY, WORK, EAT, BREATHE, NAG FROM MUM, PASS MOTION, PASS URINE.


Why must we eat? It'll just make us fatter. I wish theres no such thing as hunger or craving. Don't you guys get sick eating everyday? EAT, and EAT! Hehe. Why not each day is a different day? Like, eating is just a pastime. You do it when you're free. Why must be a must? HEHE!


Sorry for thinking about this. But I always like to think. Sometimes I will think why girls must open their mouth when putting mascara, why boys must stand and urine. Why boys must disturb girl? Why tiger beer is tiger beer? Why not dog beer or cat beer or lion beer. Hehe.

RANDOM!

I'll update again soon.